Realization: Whenever I experience emotional episodes or situations that may be well classified as such, I go and do the following:

1) Go to Church to pray.

2) Go to friends to just be with them... and oh, okay, to make kwento whatever it is that's causing the particular emotional episode.

3) Go online and blog.


For guidance and comfort.
To calm the heart and the nerves. And to warm them as well.
To seek clarity of thought. To seek more thoughts.
To rant and to rave and to ramble and to resonate.

To do exactly what I am doing right now.

And for being able to do all the above-mentioned, I am reminded of all the good that I have in my life and that no matter how shitty the world may seem through the scratched lenses of the gray-colored glasses I am currently wearing, I am definitely and most absolutely blessed.

From "The One Where Phoebe Proposes" (or whatever the real title of that episode is since I made this one up)

*****

Phoebe and Mike in a restaurant. Mike just proposed.

MIKE: I love you.

PHOEBE: I love you more.

MIKE: Not possible.

Mike kisses Phoebe.

*****

Oh, I so love FRIENDS. :D

Stormy, Stormy Night...

And so it is raining non-stop again. Days like this I'm thankful I'm still jobless. It's just so wonderful sleeping til late in the morning, snuggled warmly underneath my soft blanket when it's cold and wet outside. Oh I can just imagine commuting in the middle of a heavy downpour in full corporate attire! My poor heels! Destroyed by the rainwater flowing along the streets I have to cross in order to get to where I have to go.

Oh but of course I'd rather have a job. Just looking at the good side of everything. :D

JULIAN IN MANILA!!!!

OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!!!

Can't help it. Kinikilig talaga ako! Wahahahaha! But no, nalungkot na lang ako kanina nang malaman kong sa July 22 sha sa WOWOWEE, at ako ay may job interview thing nun!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! :( First time ko pa man din sanang mangstalk ng celebrity... Sabi ko pa man din sasali ako sa lahat ng Meet and Greet contest for that para lang mameet sha... pero di ko na magagawa yun... haaayyyyy... I'm so sad, so sad.

You've been waiting for the bubble to burst and at that pivotal moment say what for years has been stuffed shut and sealed inside of you and yet when the time finally comes you end up not saying much and crying silently instead. Not that you don't want to say anything. Of course you do. Speaking just didn't feel appropriate at that point. Listening did. And trying to digest in just 30 minutes or so a lifetime of bad memories, bad decisions, and bad lies required for you to listen. With an open mind an an open heart. And at the end of it all, to welcome the open arms stretched in an effort to reach out for you...

... And you realize that IT IS a two-way street. That things ended up the way they did because people allowed them to. And part of those people is someone. YOU. And as all the facts slowly sink in, you wonder how this will all turn out...

But at least you were right. It really wasn't like this before. Happy thoughts of yesterday would remain untarnished. They would remain happy thoughts and thus something good to hold on to. And at a point like this, it is not just a something. It is everything.

Now that everything's out in the open, one can only hope. For real change. For the best. And again one sets himself out, vulnerable once more to the possibility of an even deeper disappointment this time around. But what else can one do? All the clutter of negatives doesn't change the very fiber of it all, they just obscure them. And after weeding them out, you are reacquainted with nothing but the overwhelming simplicity of its essence, that remains pure and good and untainted, the essence that holds the courage for people to stand up after stumbling and hitting rock bottom, that spark inside that embraces only what is right and impels one to seek it. It, too, is the same essence that transforms hate back into its antonym.

God does answer prayers. He has recently very blatantly answered two of my most fervent ones. But I learned that even if God does answer prayers, in the end one is still left with the choice. It is still up to you to make it work, to follow through. I didn't follow through the first one (which is fine and in retrospect I think will be beneficial in the long run -- but that's a different blog entry altogether). This second one definitely needs following through... and I am certainly going to give it what it needs.

This deserves a blog entry

Refreshing, light, feel good moments deserve a blog entry of their own. :D


* Hi Des! Hi Jules! ;p

In the Middle of a Poker Game

I told myself I wouldn't blog this weekend. Topak lang. Topak caused by a string of events that happened sooo fast, I'm actually questioning my memory if they indeed took place. But of course, I have to blog, since the laptop's available and it it took me 45 minutes to figure out the right password in order to connect to the net. Sayang naman ang 45 minutes if I didn't blog. And besides, I have to write regularly or else I'll get rusty. That's why I'm blogging.

*****

I am super happy for two of my friends right now! :D One acknowledged the feeling and finally did something about it. The other one's feelings formally got acknowledged (at last!). Yay for you both!

*****

Right now, it feels like I'm in the middle of a poker game and its time to decide whether to fold or raise the odds by a big amount of chips... and all that I have to aid me in making that decision are 1) a not-so thorough background in probability; and 2) pure gut feel.

So what they say is true. Gambling's a whole new ball game when there's a lot at stake. One mistake, you lose a lot. But then again, one good call wins it all back.

I'm almost bankrupt. That lucky break is very much welcome.